Down in a Hole

I wanted to write something nice, long, important, but right now all I feel is confusion.

After finally (FINALLY!) breaking down yesterday, after seeing my own eyes full of tears like rarely before, gulping like a baby, now I've got only a terrible headache and loads of confusion inside my mind.

I feel love and hatred, I feel like blindfolded, unable to see many things, I feel relief and disappointment, anger and peace of mind, then I love again and feel desperation, and then again I get angry and close in my nutshell. I want to change but right now I'm in no condition to do it, I want to love myself more, and surely I want to learn to be more selfish (even though, world, you still didn't understand that I always act calculating my own personal benefit - that's why, up to now, I've never made a false step). I want to respect myself more, to be able to throw a damn "vaffanculo" when it's needed (not directly, of course: I'm a "Sir", and I want to behave accordingly: I refuse to lower my behavior to the level of commoners, which means the level of mediocrity).

Maybe I've had a stroke of luck: I've had this breakdown right before starting my rebuild. I don't know, I honestly don't believe in "signs", in "things happen for a reason"... all bullshit. It's been a lucky case, and that's it.

One thing is sure: I'm close to a very important goal, and I need all my intelligence to do everything in the best possible way. If I acheive my aim to own another house, I can finally start worrying less about financial problems, and I can finally start to save the world (maybe) and myself (surely!).

Love you all, my dear five readers: for I mostly know who you are, and I have had your support through these dark times. I will use it more, for I'm still in deep shock and sadness. But if it wasn't for you all, I wouldn't be able to see the end of the tunnel, the ray of light after the darkness.

My wings have been denied, taken away? Ok. I'll build another pair of wings, and fly even higher.